S-E-X-Y... annnnnnnnd I'm Blushing Just Typing This

Shaving your legs is a VERY VERY VERY STRANGE feeling. Let me tell you a little story...

Friday morning brought with it a nice 35 mile bike-ride through the lesser-traveled roads of Anacostia (DC). There were lots of confused stares, some highway riding, cows, hills, speeds upwards of 40mph, bridges and the tallest, most caffeinated iced-coffee my body has ever imbibed.

[As a quick aside, I don't EVER drink coffee, but sometimes will have an iced-coffee, but only if it's half-decaf. The size is usually around 12 oz., but this behemoth was around 20 oz. and 100% fresh-roasted and HIGHLY caffeinated. My body was shaking!]

After the ride, I was pretty proud and decided to take the whole leg-shaving thing for a test-run by shaving everything below the knee on the front of my right leg.

Woah... it was... smooth? :)

It's hard to say I didn't kiiiiiiiiind of like it at that point and was pretty committed now that I had to shave the rest. But I hadn't earned that right just yet, no sir.

[Jesus, it's been like a week since I started writing this one too!... I'm an awful blogger]

But yeah, I had to earn the right to shave the rest of my legs (wtf?!?... that sounds so lame if you're not into cycling). Soooooo, I went out and knocked out a nice little 40-miler through the up-downs of Rock-Creek Park here in DC. For the geographically unaware, the city closes down the well-paved roads of Rock-Creek Park on Saturdays and Sundays from 7am-7pm allowing cyclists, runners, walkers and those gay (not in the anti-homosexual sense) rollerbladers to envelope the roadways and ride without impediment.  Political correctness aside, it KILLED me last year that some f-ing rollerbladers could go faster than I could on the bike. Not this year, you hear me rollerbladers? NOT THIS YEAR YOU SONS OF BITCHES!

Anyway... I ended up doing 40 miles of hard and sweaty riding at Rock-Creek Park that left me thoroughly cooked at the end. I was never passed, yet did a fair amount of passing so that served as a continuous confidence builder. Granted, most of the people I passed were pushing strollers, whom, I might add, didn't appreciate me yelling "YOUR ASS JUST GOT DROPPED" every time I passed by... but that's neither here nor there.

I got home, took my bike inside, grabbed some music, went to the freezer, grabbed THIS (below) and planted my ass out on a plastic adirondack chair and JUST. LOVED. LIFE.

"Gosh darn" (goddamn!) it was good!

I don't know who the hell Hannah Teter is, but I could've swore someone in her family owns a ton of grocery stores around here. I'm not sure that warrants a photo and personal flavor of Ben & Jerry's, but who the hell cares b/c this ice-cream is AWESOME. I ate half the tub while listening to one of my guilty music pleasures - 60's era Gospel music (The Swan Silvertones).

Once that business was taken care of, I got my MACH 87 razor, a bar of soap, two HUGE bowls of hot water and set up camp in the middle of my backyard.

IT'S BUSINESS TIME. (you have to click this)

I searched the depths of my brain trying to assemble any and all knowledge I had somehow and unwillingly acquired (I swear) regarding the shaving of one's legs. Thankfully, I can make the excuse attribute all of said knowledge to my friend Bryan whom was an annual competitor at the state finals for swimming throughout high-school. (You mean you're friends with an all-star swimmer and all that rubbed off on you were tips/tricks for shaving your legs?.... ::sigh:: sadly, yes.)

So there I sat in the middle of my back yard and shaved my legs while all of my neighbors watched in horror and confusion. Can you do a shaving "race report"? I'll give it a shot...

T1: I set up my equipment and got right into the saddle (aka plastic adirondack chair)

I dove right into the areas below the knees and built up some major confidence. I had a good lather going and followed suit with a superior rinsing technique that involved a fist full of paper-towel for removing the large chunks of hair stuck between the 37 blades. Before I knew it I was coming right up against the knees. A smooth start to the process, to say the least.

T2: Mentally prepare for the knees. Rub knees down with water and then work up a good lather.

Ok, first stroke.... FUCK!.. blood everywhere. Great... put a piece of paper towel on it like you're a 14 year old shaving his face for the first time. Annnnnd, the remaining hairs on my knees were removed sllllooooowwwllllly and without incident.

T3(?): Sit there thinking how long this is taking me... about 30 minutes at this point? Jeez... Now is about when I started rushing things.

Who would've thought your thighs are larger and would hold more hair than the rest of your legs? Jesus, I certainly failed to account for this (mentally, at least). I figured my leg hair was analogous to trees on the side of a mountain - the higher up you got the more sparse it was!.. but I suppose not.

What it looks AND feels like.

I got a few strokes in and quickly exchanged the murky leg-hair soup for some clean + clear warm water. Buuuuut, then I got lazy. Wanting it to be over, I started speed-shaving.

DUMB IDEA.

I finished w/o incident, but the next few days SUUUUUUUCKED. I know understand your razor burn and ingrown hair pains, ladies. It ain't pretty, but I think it all could've been worse if I hadn't moisturized. (Queue embarrassing mental picture.) Today, my legs are what most women would describe as "pokey."

Here are a couple of grainy pieces of evidence.

Pay no attention to the junior varsity leg-muscles!

I'd like to end this post with a beer recommendation. You all should be familiar with Dogfish Head brewery (shame on you if you aren't!). They're a great micro-brewery (kind of) known for their IPAs and willingness to experiment with all sorts of new flavored beer. I recently sampled some Burton Baton and found it quite pleasing. It's a little bit pricey and you only get a 4-pack instead of a sixer, but it's still worth it if it means trying something new and shaking yourself out of your regular rotation.

I love me some good beer!